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A few days ago, a query from a mother with whom I feel very identified came to our site. 'My 6-year-old son is a sweetheart with his father, but with me he behaves much worse, he even hits me and gets very angry. Any advice?'.
I don't know if something similar has happened to you too or at the moment you are experiencing something similar, but I have good news: we know why children behave differently with the father than with the mother. We spoke with María González Ariza, psychologist and educational counselor, to find out how to act in this situation.
We could say that there is a powerful and unique reason that explains and answers this question: the bond that is created between a mother and a child is something indestructible, It is very strong! It arises at the same moment in which the little one is conceived and grows and grows during the nine months (40 weeks) that the baby remains inside the mother's gut.
When he goes out into this world, his mother is his great reference! And she 'sticks' to it to gradually adjust to what will be her new house and her new home. The umbilical cord through which the baby received food to develop has been cut, but not the other cord, that magical, invisible and special cord that will keep it united to its mother throughout life.
Father is also outside, whom he has heard and felt through songs and caresses about his mother's belly; He will also create a special relationship with him, different from the one he has with his mom, but also very important for his development.
Mother and father represent two fixed points for the child, but they are also two emotionally moving points. And it is that as the child grows, little by little he will 'take off' from his mother's radius to get closer to that of his father. It is a natural journey that all children take, although sometimes they may encounter certain obstacles along the way by not knowing or recognizing their own emotions and what is happening.
This change in the child's behavior towards everything that has to do with his mother occurs, especially at the age of 6, which is when the child begins to acquire some autonomy and wants to do more things alone. According to psychologists, this stage is known as the crisis of childhood adolescence. What changes in behavior can we observe in our children in this phase?
- You can see that it is a constant no to everything you say. It is not that he wants to contradict you but that he is in the phase of revealing himself against the world and, until now, the world had been his mother and his family.
- You will want to 'get away with it' and impose your criteria, so there might be some challenging behaviors.
- Will be more sensitive and more vulnerable, and it is that emotionally it will be a roller coaster.
- He will be uneasy, and it is that you will have the need to do a lot of things and to be active all the time.
In the background, the child wants to start flying alone, but at the same time he wants mom to stay there for whatever she needs. It's like wanting and not being able! So many times he gets angry with mom, since it is his particular way of getting her attention. Many times he wants Mom to help him and when Mom comes up to him and does it with all her love and affection, he gets mad and mad.
Now that we know a little about the reasons for this disparate behavior between the maternal and paternal roles, it is time to know what we can do to address this situation and that no one suffers from it.
- Establish spaces in which we all play together: dad, mom and child. So your child will see that you are a united family and that together you have a great time.
- Express to the child that we love him very much and that we are very happy for everything that he is achieving and doing by himself.
- Pay close attention to the calls for attention you make, and it is very possible that he is claiming us because he misses us. And, very important, do it with all our love.
- Be aware of the evolutionary moment in which you are: the six-year crisis.
- If we see that the situation overwhelms us, we can always seek help from parenting groups and / or professionals to guide and help us in this regard.
And the next time you wonder why your child behaves well with everyone but you, think that it is because you have the privilege of being his mother and you are doing an excellent job.
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